The Assertive Cancer Patient

The Car Is Home!

After many trials and tribulations (including three weeks in the shop to get a new rag top, then a blown clutch on Yesler Avenue the very day I got it back, followed by an inflated repair bill from a mechanic who probably caused the clutch to go out--again--in the first place), my Corvair is finally back home where it belongs. And where I can drive it.

I was beginning to think that this car was just going to be a very expensive lawn ornament, one level up from the pink flamingos people used to have when I was a kid.

So long, cabs and rental cars. Those blew a hole in my budget.

The car was fixed by Car Guy, a friend of a friend. The friend tried to set us up, and then I called Car Guy for his help in deciding what to do with my car, and he took over and fixed it for me.

I have yet to see a bill, which is nice in one way (since I also haven't seen the vet bill yet for the last week of GB's life, lived in intensive care at my local vet), but also leaves some questions hanging. Like: Are we dating?

Also discovered that Car Guy is a perfectionist when it comes to making repairs. This is good. The car has never run so well. He tightened the steering, replaced a bunch of seals, did something to the brakes, and took the clutch and fly wheel apart and put them back together correctly--the other guy put an extra piece in there that would have torn my new clutch to shreads, if I understand Car Guy's explanation.

So, except for the ambiguity over the status of our relationship, I am one happy car owner. Going to call Car Guy tonight to thank him and to see if he wants to do something this weekend.

Note to self: Lose 20 pounds.

Date Night!

I meant to write this post on Monday morning, to give all of you who are curious about my love life an update on my date with Car Guy.

But life had other plans for me, and instead I spent Monday morning making an emergency trip to the vet with Younger Son's dog, GB, who had swallowed two huge rocks. The dog is still at the vet, and I'm waiting for a phone call with the daily update on his condition.

Between the doggy medical emergency and my own doctor's visit for a melanoma checkup (Oh, this is melanoma awareness month--someone please give me the correct name. Carver? And what color ribbon is assigned to melanoma?), plus everything else that is going on--kittens, story deadlines, life in general--it seems like a long time since Sunday night, and I'm not sure I have much to say ...

Before my date with Car Guy, I was worrying about two things:

1. Having "The Talk"--telling him about my cancer. Plenty of men have turned and walked away at that point, so I was dreading telling him.

2. This one is funnier: Trying to decide if I should wear Jabba, my breast prosthesis, on our date. You have to understand that my remaining breast is a D cup, so no matter how I dress, it's fairly obvious that one breast is missing.

But I haven't worn Jabba since Labor Day weekend when I visited Jacqueline in New York and bought the first of several pieces of clothing from her line, Rhea Belle.

I went back and forth on the Jabba question for hours. Finally decided to wear Jabba and popped him into my new underwire bra.

After fussing around for a half hour or so, I realized that there was no way I could go backwards on this issue. Jabba was really uncomfortable. Also, I felt I wasn't being true to myself by wearing Jabba for a date when I had abandoned him in every other area of my life.

So, no Jabba.

Car Guy and I went to Seattle Center and rode the bumper cars--great for getting rid of negative emotions--and then the ferris wheel. Then we had some dinner, and over dinner I told him about my cancer.

His first reaction was shock, because he honestly had no idea (and I guess had not noticed my very lopsided chest). Then he asked some questions, rather carefully, feeling his way. That was fine.

When I asked him directly, he said it didn't make any difference to him. But from my side I think I will have to wait and see. We haven't made plans to go out again, but he still has my Corvair, so I will be seeing him again if for no other reason than to talk to him about the car. (And get it back, sometime very soon, I hope.)

He is a great guy, very supportive of his friends, a good father (from what I've seen of him with is 10-year-old son), and a perfectionist when it comes to his work. What's not to like?

So, stay tuned for updates.

Read more:

Retiring Jabba

From Debutaunt:

The Dating Game

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Debutaunt's Love Life

Not that I'm going to tell you anything that Debs hasn't posted to her own blog, but I met the debu__sweetie and his two daughters last weekend, in Seattle, and this new relationship has my total support. Not they need it: I haven't seen a happier couple since ... I don't know when.

Brief synopsis: Zoe, Debs' Wonder Child, started nudging her mom to start dating. So Debs got on eHarmony and met Tim, who happens to live in Renton, which is about half an hour south of Seattle, where I live.

Tim visited her in Texas, and then last week Debs and Zoe came up here to visit him and to meet his two daughters. And they all came to my house for dinner on Saturday. My friend who was visiting from San Francisco (old Tokyo friend, we go back 20 years) was there, and also Younger Son.

I did the easy dinner plan: Made a big salad, put out some chips and vegetables with hummus, and called for pizza.

Everyone seemed to enjoy it, but we had trouble getting Zoe and Tim's older daughter away from the kittens for long enough to eat!

The two of them played with and bottle-fed the kittens all evening, and named the two little females, who are now Zoe and Muffins, although I forget which kitten has which name--they look a lot alike. The kittens were exhausted after they left and slept for hours.

Now Debutaunt is planning on spending most of the summer up here with Tim, and she will definitely be here for the Cancer Bloggers Reunion in July. I have some work to do on that, so those of you who are coming--expect an e-mail soon.

And I am hoping that some of Debs and Tim's good fortune will rub off on me: I have a date with Car Guy on Sunday night. We haven't had The Talk yet, so I'm nervous about that ...

Go to Debutaunt's blog for Seattle photos: Debutaunt

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

From the E-Mail Box

One of the really fun things about blogging is the mail that I get. I never got this kind of e-mail before I had cancer (BC)!

Potential Canadian Husband
I received an e-mail from a Canadian man who lives in Vancouver, B.C., suggesting himself as husband material. He didn't tell me much, just suggested that I look at his profile on facebook and e-mail him if I was interested.

Well, I'm not on facebook, and I don't want to have a profile on facebook (I have enough of an online presence as it is: 784 hits on Google, as of this morning). But I was curious about this guy, so last night I went to facebook and tried to set up a profile, and IT WOULDN'T LET ME ON!

Was it because of my year of birth? I know facebook is primarily for college students, but really!

There is a security window when you set up a new account, like the one people have to use when they post comments to my blog, but the security window wouldn't come up. So no luck. I haven't been able to look at this guy's profile.

I thought I might ask Younger Son (who IS on facebook, natch) to sign on and show me the profile, and YS was home last night, but then I thought: Do I want my son involved in my love life? Even this much?

The answer, of course, is no.

So I guess I will try facebook again later today, once I finish the story I'm working on, and if that doesn't work, I'll just have to e-mail Larry and ask him if he'd like to tell me about himself in e-mail. If that's too much trouble, I don't think he and I have much of a future together anyway.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Read about my search for a Canadian husband: Dating
Scroll down. The oldest posts are at the bottom.

An Invite
Then there's the invitation from a woman who works for a PR firm in New York City, asking me if I'd like to take part in a round-table discussion about cancer and careers.

The date, amazingly enough, is next Friday, when I will be in New York. It couldn't have worked out better, actually, because Younger Son and I will be arriving by Amtrak Thursday evening and staying with Jacqueline of Rebel1in8 fame in her loft in Brooklyn. I'm wondering if Jacq. is responsible for this invite--have to e-mail her to ask.

The event is put on by something called Cosmetic Executive Women (CEW) and sponsored by Roche, a drug company. (I'll be sure to wear lipstick, and I'll take notes if there are any weird drug company freebies on offer.)

But it sounds pretty substantive, according to the e-mail I received, which said, in part:

... addresses the unique challenges of cancer in the workplace and focuses on issues patients face when trying to balance both treatment and work.

The roundtable discussion offers an opportunity to present questions about challenges that your readers may experience, and we would love to have you or a representative from your blog attend. ...

Carlotta Jacobson, CEO and Founder of CEW, and board certified medical oncologist Dr. Ruth Oratz, Clinical Associate Professor of Medicine at New York University School of Medicine, will discuss the best ways to transition back to work and maintain a work life balance. ... We will also have a legal expert on hand to discuss national and local laws which protect and offer support to those working and living with cancer.

I've already accepted.

I was fired once while in cancer treatment, by a health and fitness Web site, no less, so this is a topic that is near to my heart. The settlement paid some of my cancer debt and gave me the down payment for my house.

Read: Blindsided by disease and life, she fights to survive

More Questions About Tykerb
I also received an e-mail from a woman who is in remission with Stage III breast cancer after treatment with Herceptin. She wants to get Tykerb, and her oncologist is telling her she isn't eligible.

I'm not going to argue with her doctor, but I sure admire her for looking into this, and I gave her contact information for Dr. Livingston in Tucson and also for the "Tykerb Cares" drug program. Awful name, isn't it? Trust drug company execs and marketing folks to come up with some real winners like this--I feel so warm and fuzzy knowing that my drug company cares about me! Never mind that they delayed shipping my Tykerb to me for THREE WHOLE WEEKS on one pretext or another.

Yes, that's steam coming out of my ears.

Not really, I've been amazingly mellow lately as my energy continues to climb. I don't need afternoon naps anymore, but I do shut off the phones and get into bed with a book and my dinner at about 6 p.m. or so.

"A book"? There are so many books piled around and on my bed that I'd be in danger if an earthquake of any magnitude hit Seattle during the night. The dogs, too, except they are smart enough to crawl under the bed.

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Story in Today's Crosscut

I wrote the top-of-the-Web-site story on the Crosscut site today. Crosscut.com--"News of the Great Nearby"--is a Web site started by several people I know, most of them refugees (escapees?) from Seattle Weekly.

Crosscut has original content, and then introduces stories from pubs around the Pacific Northwest. I like it because it's a quick way to keep up with what's going on, news-wise.

This story is an update on my search for a Canadian husband. It's a summary of the lessons I've learned from that experience, which has been unsuccessful, so far. But now that I'm in remission, I'm going to start looking again.

Read: How to marry a Canadian

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Crawling Out of My Cave ...

Well, after being sick for something like 10 days with The Cold That Ate Seattle, I am finally feeling better and getting back to blogging.

And my mail box is clogged with all sorts of interesting messages, some of which I want to share.

Canadian Husband?
A young Canadian man e-mailed me to say that he is willing to marry a young woman with cancer. He defines young as ages 20 to 25, which lets me out, but if you are looking for a Canadian husband, or know someone who is, and you fit the age criteria, send me an e-mail and I will put you in touch with Paul.

Cheeky Librarian is an Author
The Cheeky Librarian, who is a cancer blogger as well as a medical librarian and a library blogger, has coauthored a book chapter. She wrote Chapter 9 in Leadership in Interprofessional Health Education and Practice.

Go, Teri!

Troublemaker's Handbook
Teri, who always sends me interesting info, also send me info on a directory called The 2008 Brandweek Directory, which lists 19,000 "key personnel" at 7,000 brands--just what we need for the anti-pink-marketing campaign when October rolls around. I don't plan to buy it, I can use it at the library.

More to come, but I'm late for my massage. In the meantime, send me your Truth About Cancer

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Canada: No Room at the Doctor's Office

My friend Teri, the Cheeky Librarian, sent me the link to a story in the Star, a Canadian paper that ran a page one story about my search for a Canadian husband last fall.

The story is about a new resident of Toronto who can't find a family doctor who will accept him--every doctor he calls is not accepting new patients.

Read: In search of Canadian health care

Here's the story the Star did about me: Desperately seeking medicare

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

My Ego Is Taking a Beating!

My ego is taking a beating--And I don't like it.

I've e-mailed four men who have personal ads on the C Is for Cupid Web site for "people affected by cancer"--and not one of them has replied.

Not one!

I put up a profile on the site as well, and no one has responded to my profile either.

This requires further investigation. I looked more closely at the site last night, and it appears that women outnumber men by a ratio of about three to one, certainly in my age bracket.

Lots of attractive, interesting women in their early 50s have ads on the site, complete with photos, and it's clear that the women put a lot of effort into this. The guys, on the other hand, either don't have photos, or have not-particularly-flattering snapshots of themselves, and the profiles are not as carefully written.

All of this goes to confirm what I suspect about men, women, and illness. Women cancer survivors are more willing to date another cancer survivor than men are. Women are more likely to get all warm and fuzzy and maternal when they feel needed--guys are more likely to run for the hills.

(I know I'm generalizing here, and if you are the kind of man who stands by your woman through chemo, hair loss, the loss of a breast or other organ, and everything else, then I'm the first to applaud you, but you're a minority.)

Doesn't look like this site is going to introduce me to any interesting men, bummer! Guess I'll have to take my chances driving around town in the Corvair (once the rain stops!).

Read more: Dating: Jumping in Again

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Dating: Jumping in Again

Those of you who are familiar with my search for a Canadian husband probably realize that the personal ad I posted brought more media inquiries than it did messages from interested men, although I did hear from about a dozen men, and one woman.

The media blitz was fun--I made headlines around the world.

I only met with one man, during a weekend trip to Vancouver. B.C. He was a nice guy, but I liked him better via e-mail than I did face to face (He wrote great e-mails, sigh). No chemistry.

After that, I let things ride for awhile, but now--having gotten my cancer beaten back, yet again--I feel like looking around. I'd like to date--how fun would that be? And have a man or two in my life who I could call when I feel like going to a movie or out to dinner.

I'm not sure how I feel about a serious relationship, or marriage, but those are questions for the future.

So today I put a personal ad up on a dating site called C Is for Cupid that is for "people affected by cancer."

There was only one guy in my age range who lives in the Seattle area, so I sent him a message, plus a message to another interesting man who lives in Massachusetts. I have more in common with the guy in Massachusetts--we are both vegetarians, both bloggers, and both have graduate degrees. And we both have green eyes--that's got to make us compatible, right?

Now I guess I wait for replies.

I found this site in Newsweek magazine, of all places. Newsweek did a story back in July called "Sick, Single, Seeking Same" about dating sites for people with health problems. Today, I pulled the article out of my slush pile of things I've been meaning to blog about.

In addition to C Is for Cupid, the story mentions another site for people with all sorts of different issues, from alcoholism to Crohn's disease called Prescription4Love.com.

I took a look at that site, but was really turned off by what it said about breast cancer:

Breast Cancer Support Groups for Singles

Experiencing breast cancer can be difficult, and there are many cancer support groups to help you. Breast cancer is a common form of cancer, and a breast cancer dating services can help you find understanding singles for friendship and romance. There are over two million women living in the U.S. who have been treated for breast cancer. Unlike lung cancer, individuals are unable to prevent breast cancer. In fact, some men develop breast cancer but in smaller numbers. Just remember, you are not alone.

There are many breast cancer support groups available. Ask your physician and inquire at the center where you received treatment. Search the Internet for online groups and use breast cancer dating services, such as Prescription 4 Love, to help you find singles for friendship and romance. If you are a cancer survivor, you should be proud of your victory.

Learn more about Breast Cancer Support Group...
Tips for Using Breast Cancer Dating Services

Don't be reluctant to use breast cancer dating services. This step can be a positive effort in your recovery if you are a survivor. Overcoming the stress and physical effects of cancer treatment is a therapeutic necessity during recovery. Just like cancer support groups, a dating service can help provide an outlet. Cancer is not contagious, so you can feel confident in getting back into the dating scene. Finding friends who can help you can be very rewarding. And, there is always the possibility of finding a caring individual for a long-lasting relationship. What medicine could be better?

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Condescending to the max. And note what it says about lung cancer: "Unlike lung cancer, individuals are unable to prevent breast cancer."

So we shouldn't be ashamed to have breast cancer, unlike those poor schmucks with lung cancer--right?

And not to muddy the waters, but there are some things you CAN do to prevent breast cancer, or to reduce your chances of getting breast cancer ... so that's not accurate either.

It does give a number that I've been looking for: 2 million breast cancer survivors in the United States. I wonder if that's accurate? Does anyone have a figure from a reliable source?

As for meeting someone, rather than reading the personals, I think I should spend more time driving around in the Corvair--that thing is a magnet for attractive men!

Read:

CancerMatch.com?

The Red Corvair

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Everybody's Got a Cure...

I guess we should be concerned about literacy in Canada.

I wrote an ad advertising for a Canadian husband. And then I did at least a dozen interviews with various newspapers, radio and TV stations, and online news sites about my search for a husband who could offer me access to Canada's health-care system.

But what do I get?

E-mail after e-mail suggesting various cancer "cures."

I went back and reread my personal ad. Nope. Nothing in there suggests that I am not satisfied with my medical treatment and would welcome suggestions for alternatives.

Of course, most of these people are selling something. They don't want to help me, they want to help themselves (to the contents of my wallet). And most of these folks are quacks and the products they are selling are not worth a moment's attention.

All this despte the notices I have put all over my blog asking people NOT to send me their "cancer cures." Like I said, seems to be a literacy problem in Canada. Or an ethics problem among the purveyors of bogus cancer treatments.

When I get time, I'll quote from some of the better ones. Call it a primer on "How to Spot a Quack."

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.