The Assertive Cancer Patient

How LOW Will Komen GO?: The 2009 Winners

Choosing the winners in our third annual competition to find the tackiest, most trivial, most offensive pink-ribbon products wasn't easy. As readers of this blog know only too well, during October we are overwhelmed by displays of tacky pink crap whenever we venture into most retail establishments. 

It was especially difficult for me this year, because my good friend Debutaunt, who won both of the previous two contests, died last spring. Every crappy pink ribbon product made me grieve for Deb, who was not here to share my outrage. 

As always, The Assertive Cancer Patient suggests that you fight back by voting with your wallet. Don't shop at stores filled with pink-ribbon merchandise, and do patronize stores that refuse to be pink-washed. 

Grand prize: to Karla, for the Ashton-Drake Breast Cancer Awareness Dolls 

Karla wrote: I couldn't pick just one of their products, because they have a ton of them, and all of them are equally awful.

There's the "Walk for the Cause" doll, to be followed by a two-doll edition, "Sisters Walk Together." ... There are basketfuls of baby dolls: For example, the "Cuties for the Cause," which include "Crawl for the Cause" [see photo] and the promised upcoming "Hide and Seek for the Cause." 

... Not enough for you? Take a look at the "Tiny Miracles" series ... Why are they breast cancer dolls? Because, you see, babies are little miracles, just like recovering from breast cancer is ... a MIRACLE!! 

But, best of all, as you can read, a portion of the proceeds from the sale of each doll "will benefit the fight against breast cancer." What portion? How much? How will it benefit? Who is getting the money?

All these questions go unanswered, but, oh, by buying these dolls you "can express your hopeful and nurturing nature." Well, that's what this is really all about, right?--Showing what hopeful, optimistic, nurturing, giving people we are by ... BUYING SOMETHING!!!

These dolls are contest winners, every one! See: DOLLS FOR THE CURE

Karla, contact me to claim your prize. 

First prize: to Teri, for PGI, a company which sells pink products and donates NO money to any cause

PGI sent out e-mails, suggesting that its customers should buy pink products "to show their customers that they support awareness." In other words, buy this pink schlock and either give it away or resell it, with NO money going to support any cancer organization. 

Seems like the ultimate in chutzpah to me.

Here's the link to their list of pink products: PGI PINK PRODUCTS

Teri, your prize will be on its way to you shortly. 

Second prize: (entered by me), to M&Ms for its continued celebration of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I admit that the pink M&Ms really piss me off. That's why I used them to make a mosaic of what breast cancer actually looks like. See: M&Ms and Cancer: The Mosaic

Think about it. Every Halloween, the M&Ms folks sell black and orange M&Ms, to celebrate. Every Christmas, it's red and green. And at Easter, pastel M&Ms. Why are we celebrating breast cancer with pink M&Ms? I've never been able to understand it. 

Then this year, M&Ms went even further in its celebration of breast cancer, with pink ribbon mylar balloons! If you bought two bags of pink M&Ms, you got to take home a balloon for free. The balloons were shaped just like a pink ribbon, but to me they resembled nothing more than a life jacket. I wanted to get a photo, but I was home in bed with a bad cold yesterday, so didn't get a chance. 

Thanks to everyone who entered. 

Also, a note about the name of the contest: Not all of our contest entries or winners actually give money to Komen. I know that, but the contest is named for Komen because that nonprofit is responsible for the current pink-ribbon-cause-marketing-run-amok Festival of Crappy Pink Merchandise that we women with breast cancer have to endure every October. 

Until Komen takes responsibility for its actions, and polices itself better, the contest will continue to be named "How LOW Will Komen GO?" 

NOTE: Apologies for the varying font sizes. It's a problem with Typepad that I haven't been able to fix. 

@ Jeanne Sather 2009. 

OK, I Cave, We Need a Contest After All

My friend Megan, who lives in California and who is relatively new to the cancer lifestyle (how's that for an offensive euphemism?), sent me this one, along with the comment: 

"Twenty-two days to go [till the end of October]. I'm so aware I could puke."

She snapped the photo of this pink ribbon hot chocolate at a little specialty store in Corona, California. 

It doesn't get more trivial than this. Pink ribbon hot chocolate! 

Well, actually, all I have to do is stroll into my kitchen to take a look at my "Wall of Shame" to find: pink ribbon saltine crackers (love that one, remember your last bout of nausea? Have a cracker!), pink ribbon Campbell tomato soup (I haven't bought Campbell's soup since this one came out), and pink ribbon laundry soap, "Clean for the Cure" it says on the label.

So this post is to announce that the "How LOW Will Komen GO?" competition is officially open for one more year.  Let's do it in memory of Debutaunt, who never met a pink ribbon that she couldn't make fun of, and the winner of my contest for two years running. 

Send your entries my way, with a digital photo if at all possible. Remember, we are striving to showcase the most trivial, most offensive pink-ribbon products!

Here are last year's winners:

2008 Winners: "How LOW Will Komen GO?"

And the year before:

2007 Winners: How LOW ...?

@ Jeanne Sather 2009. 

Win a Colonoscopy!??!

As I believe I've said before, I have something of a morbid fascination with news about colon cancer. 

The reasons for that are pretty clear: My brother died of colon cancer, and I've managed to talk myself out of getting colonoscopies. Haven't had one yet, and I'm 54. 

Now before you write and tell me I'm in denial and I should sign up for that test STAT, consider this: My oncologist gave me a pass on the colonoscopy. I get scanned so often anyway that anything in my colon is going to light up on one of those.

So when I heard about the CBS contest where you can win a free colonoscopy, I was gobsmacked. I thought it must be a joke.

But apparently not. Not only do you win a free investigation of the insides of several dozen feet of your bowel and colon, but you get to fly to New York City to have the test. 

Now that would almost make it worth entering, because I love NYC, but consider this part: You'll be spending your time in NYC in the bathroom of your hotel room, pooping your guts out in preparation for the exam. 

How is this a prize? 

Don't think I'm going to enter. This is just too weird. What were those folks at CBS thinking? Is this contest supposed to motivate everyone else who is due for a routine colonoscopy to go and get one--you know, because someone on TV told them it was a good idea? 

I'm not kidding. Here's the link: CBS Cares

Maybe if the winner is diagnosed with colon cancer, CBS will offer them their own reality show, kinda like Jade Goody? 

@ Jeanne Sather 2009. 

A Contest Entry From the Cheeky Librarian

We are running a contest here at The Assertive Cancer Patient.

The contest is How Drug Cos. Spend Their (Obscene) Profits, and the categories are Good ... Bad ... and Debatable.

Here is my earlier post announcing the contest, which is open to all readers of this blog:

A Contest: Nominations Please, Drug Co. Profits

The prizes--I'll be posting a photo SOON--include drug company freebies that I scored at ASCO in Chicago several weeks ago.

The Cheeky Librarian's Entry
Teri, The Cheeky Librarian, sent this entry to the contest. She didn't say which category she wanted to enter it in, but I think it belongs in the Debatable category.

Live your life list

Teri writes:
I guess they are going after the "Bucket List" folks for this contest. No, I won't be entering, since it appears to put your name on their e-mail list for all eternity.

When I searched Google for "Advil contest," they have been busy in contests:

Advil contests

Here is a link to the company's stock on CNBC:

Advil stock

And a list of their products on wikipedia (which may not be the most reliable source, remember):

Advil products

Go to Teri's blog: The Cheeky Librarian

Go to our other contest: How LOW Will Komen GO?: The Winners

That contest was won by Debutaunt, who is in Seattle now and will be joining us for the Cancer Bloggers Reunion, July 23-25.

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

A Contest: Nominations Please, Drug Co. Profits

My good friend and fellow cancer blogger, The Cheeky Librarian, sent me this announcement, and it got me thinking that it's time for us to hold another contest.

(Debutaunt won the last one, and she gets to drive my Corvair when she's in Seattle this summer. Heck, she can take a road trip with the debu__sweetie in my car. To the beach, maybe? I also want us to go to the drive-in movies in the car, which is a convertible--can you say "Summer of '64"?)

Read: How LOW Will Komen GO?: The Winners

The contest is How Drug Cos. Spend Their (Obscene) Profits, and the categories are Good... Bad ... and Debatable.

So send in your entries for all categories. We'll come up with some prizes--I'm sure to score some drug company freebies when I'm at ASCO at the end of the month. See: ASCO if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Here's the announcement that Cheeky Librarian sent me. I assume she would enter it in the Good category, but I think it's Debatable, personally.

Entries Invited for Lilly Oncology on Canvas Art Competition
Deadline: June 30, 2008
The Lilly Oncology on Canvas: Expressions of a Cancer Journey Art Competition and Exhibition was developed by Eli Lilly and Company ( http://www.lilly.com/ ) in 2004 as a way to honor the journeys people embark upon when confronted with a cancer diagnosis. The 2008 competition invites U.S. and Puerto Rico residents who have been diagnosed with cancer, their health care providers, family members, friends, and caregivers to submit their cancer-inspired artwork.

Here's the link, if you want to enter:

http://fconline.foundationcenter.org/pnd/15012904/lillyoncology

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Booby Prizes

From now on, all runners up in our contest An All-Time Low: For Rudeness and Insensitivity will receive a Booby Prize.

Thanks to Amorette, who found these at a flea market, and actually had the nerve to buy one. They are actually "stress balls," you know, the ones you squeeze to build your grip strength and reduce stress.

Any woman within range who sees a guy squeezing one of these is not going to have HER stress reduced, of course.

All contest runners up will receive a real Booby Prize if we have an address for them, or if we know them and can just hand it over in person. Otherwise, we'll send the prize via e-mail, and they'll just get the digital image.

The winner of the All-Time Low Contest gets an even better prize.

Keep those entries coming!

Read more:

Woolly breasts appeal goes global (Love that headline!)

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.

An All-Time Low: For Rudeness and Insensitivity

Ladies (and gentlemen, although this is almost exclusively a woman-only blog): I think we need to add a new contest category, in addition to October's annual How LOW Will Komen GO? Contest.

(Entries for next year's "How LOW?" contest are already flowing in--unbelievable ones. I, as you know, will be in Japan, managing my blog from afar. Amorette will be with me, for a week, anyway. I hope. Big Little Bento Artist: She needs to go to the source of all bentos.)

So, back to the topic. A reader posted a comment to my blog that, as far as I am concerned, has won the prize for Rudeness and Insensitivity. Not to mention: Not a Real Human Being.

Without further ado, the comment:

Someone just said to me yesterday (when she found out that I had had breast cancer) that "everyone has breast cancer" (herself not included) and it's not a big deal anymore! I can't stop thinking about that comment...isn't that so insensitive?

That was from Sharon.

And my reply:

Sharon--that was incredibly rude. And not true.

I would say, don't even try to figure out what her problem is. And the problem is HERS, not yours, that I can say with some assurance.

Do you have to ever see this person again? Do you want to work on a snappy comeback? Just let me know if you do--the readers of this blog (and I) are great at put-them-in-their-places comebacks, so just let me know.

In addition, let me say, Sharon, that I am really sorry someone said this to you.

My only thought is, in order to get it out of your head, there are a couple of things you can do:

1) Give her an award, as we are doing here.

Next time you see her, say something like,

"Hey, remember that remark you made to me about everyone having breast cancer and breast cancer not being a big deal anymore?--Well, I've submitted your comment for an award, and you have won the First Annual Award for Rudeness and Insensitivity to Someone With Cancer. I hope you're proud."

Oh, and here is her prize:

Prize

Sara found that one, and e-mailed it to me just this morning. I'm sure that will become part of next October's anti-pink rant ...

Sara, Amorette, Lisa, Jacqueline, Teri, and other friends out there: Anything to add?

Or,

2) Leave it to us. Send me her e-mail address, and I will award her the prize directly.

I realize as I write this that I have a couple of contests going. The other one was for the rudest e-mail I have received (to date).

What can you do with people like this? I have several strategies. One is humor. Another is to push back. And my best strategy is to "keep the shields up." I'll be blogging more about that over the next couple of weeks.

Read more:

It's Not All Valentines: Christian Hate Mail

Snappy Comebacks Wanted

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.

How LOW Will Komen GO?: The Winners

Choosing the winners in our month-long competition to find the tackiest, most trivial, most offensive pink ribbon products endorsed by the Komen Foundation wasn't easy. As readers of this blog know only too well, during October we cancer survivors have had to run the gauntlet of tacky pink crap whenever we ventured into a retail establishment. (One easy answer: Stay home. Vote with your wallet.)

However, allowing for personal biases on the part of the judge (me), some clear winners did emerge. And they are:

Grand Prize: to the blogger Dubutaunt, for her entry: Jingle Jugs for Life

Jingle Jugs sells life-size boobs, or "racks," that bounce in time to the song "Titties and Beer." Its market? Frat boys.

From the Jingle Jugs Web site: “Our newest version of Jingle Jugs comes with a pre-recorded breast cancer message. A second re-recordable chip allows the user to record a message of his or her own choice, such as a favorite song, your favorite team's fight song, a romantic message, a political commentary . . . all to which the Jugs will dance and move in synch.”

Debutaunt’s comment, in a letter to Komen: “... Honestly, I can't see in any good conscience how you can justify accepting money from this vulgar company. They sell a product that is so putrid and heinous, but are justifying it since they donate a ‘percentage’ to breast cancer organizations -- then show proudly their giant check to Komen.”

See Breast Cancer Jingle Jugs

First Prize: to a Canadian reader named Nancy for: Pink Wedding Gowns for the Cure

This entry was an editorial feature in “Brides” magazine. ABC News had this quote:

"With this gown sale, we hope to harness the power of the wedding dress — an icon viewed around the world as a symbol of hope for the future — to impact the lives of seriously ill women in a positive way," said Millie Martini Bratten, editor in chief of “Brides.”

Watch the ABC News clip

Judge’s Choice Award: To the Mars/M&Ms Company for: Pink M&Ms

I have been boycotting M&Ms and all Mars candy products for more than a year, because I think the pink M&Ms trivialize a very serious disease.

This year, I turned the pink M&MS into a mosaic titled, “What I See in the Mirror Every Morning (And It Ain't Pretty).”

Support this blog:

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.

How LOW Will Komen GO?: A Contest

Just a week left to go in our "How LOW Will Komen GO?" contest. Keep those entries coming, folks.

The winner gets a batch of Boycott October buttons, plus use of my Corvair whenever he or she is next in Seattle, maybe for the Cancer Blogger Reunion next July!

Here's my entry in the "How LOW Will Komen GO?" Contest:

A pink-ribbon English muffin.

Komen defenders, please feel free to write in and explain to me how I, a woman living with metastatic breast cancer, am supposed to get Komen's message of "awareness and support" from this almost-inedible food product?

The message I get, loud and clear, is EXPLOITATION. I feel exploited by Komen, and by companies that market stupid products with pink ribbons on them.

But let's keep this light, folks. Send me your entries--what pink product really makes your blood boil?--with a digital photo, if possible.

The winner gets my remaining supply of Boycott October buttons (I have about six left).

A New Use
I do not recomment that you eat these English muffins, even if you can get past the pink ribbon on the label. Read the ingredients on the back--this product is chockful of preservatives and mold inhibitors. They will probably last forever.

So, my suggestion is, use one of these puppies, with a pink M&M nipple, instead of an expensive ($300) breast prosthesis.

Goodbye Jabba, hello MuffinBoob!

More Great Entries

Pink Wedding Gowns

Jingle Jugs

I know these two will be hard to beat, but keep those entries coming, ladies (and gents)!

Support this blog:

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.