Anxiety City

This morning, I was suddenly hit with a wave of anxiety like I haven't experienced in a long, long time. 

Last Friday, I saw Cyberknife Guy and we agreed to treat the tumors in my spine and sacrum with cyberknife. He went through the whole procedure and the possible side effects and told me what the next steps would be. 

The very next step is to have some gold seeds planted in my back around the tumor in the sacrum, to help make sure the cyberknife is on target. This procedure is handled by another department at Swedish Medical Center, so Cyberknife Guy and his staff don't have control over the scheduling of my appointment. 

But his nurse told me if I hadn't gotten a phone call by Tuesday, to let her know. So I waited till the end of the day Tuesday, then called and left a message for Cyberknife Guy's staff, and one of them called me back the next morning. 

Her message said I should be hearing from a woman called "Heather" and that I would need two appointments--a consult, and then the procedure itself. She also gave me Heather's phone number, which I called immediately, but she was--of course--at lunch. 

I left a message, and I've been waiting ever since. Now, not getting a call back within 24 hours may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but when you are worried about losing control of your legs, IT IS A BIG DEAL. 

Also, based on the timeline Cyberknife Guy had laid out for me, I expected to get the seeds planted in my sacrum this week, and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to happen. 

Which pushes everything else out further, including enrolling in the T-DM1 clinical trial, which I need to treat the other dozen or so tumors in my body (When I have a scan, the doctor who reads it never bothers to count all the tumors, he or she just writes something like "numerous bony lesions" and lets it go at that. Except for pointing out the ones that are most dangerous, and the ones in my lung and lymph nodes--those get special attention).  

So, after working in the garden for awhile and chatting with a couple of neighbors (we are all gardeners on this block, pretty much), I came inside, checked the voice mail, and then realized how anxious I was. Gulped down two xanax, and then sat down to e-mail my doctors. 

The first e-mail went to Cyberknife Guy, and then I forwarded it to Dr. Eulau, as an FYI. We'll see if one or the other of them can get things moving. 

Meanwhile, I have the rest of the day to get through, including a radiation therapy appointment at 3 p.m., and a couple of small errands. I have some jewelry projects to work on, but I can't sit still for that, so I think I will go out and water the back garden, and then maybe shower and dress and head out early. 

My next door neighbor said they spotted a rat on the fence between our two backyards (lots of food out there right now), so I need to get some rat poison to take care of that little problem. There are only three creatures I will kill: rats that have invaded my living space, mosquitos, and flies if they are indoors. I can't stand having a fly in the kitchen, but that's because I'm a germ freak since my cancer diagnosis. 

Oh, and we treat the dog and cat for fleas on an irregular basis, so I guess I'm willing to kill fleas.

A PS on mobility: It was only with great difficulty that I was able to persuade myself to use a cane a few months back when I was in a lot of pain. But a wheelchair? I am so not going there. (Of course, that's what I said about the cane ... but if we treat these spots quickly enough, I should not lose control of my legs.)  

See:

The Lady With the Cane 

Here's the entire "cane" category:

Cane 

@ Jeanne Sather 2010. 

Comments

[Susan]

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious. It is so hard waiting for others. So frustrating to have all those appointments too.

[Jeanne]

Oh, I also kill slugs and snails in my garden . I call it "slug patrol," and I kill them by cutting them in half.

Disgusting, I know, but perfectly organic. And slugs are cannibals--they will eat a dead slug just like that!