What to Say When a Friend Has Cancer

This is a version of the talk I gave on Saturday at the Cattlemen's Ball. The ball was held in a cow pasture somewhere in central Nebraska. (I had a great time.)

My talk was sponsored by the McGoogan Library of Medicine in Omaha, and I'd like to thank the library and also head librarian Nancy Woelfl, for bringing me to the ball. 

These are my do's and don't's for what to say when a friend or family member is newly diagnosed with cancer. These are based on my experience, and I don't generally tell people what to do, so take from this what seems right to you, and ignore the rest. 

DON'T tell your newly diagnosed friends your own cancer horror stories. 

We all know some of these stories, but this is not the time to tell your friend, who is reeling from the news of a cancer diagnosis, the story about your Uncle Joe who did chemo, puked constantly for three months, and then died. 

Restrain yourself. Your friend does not need to hear this story right now.

DON'T ask, "What's the prognosis?"

That's the same as asking, "When are you going to die?" And that's just too personal a question. If your friend wants you to know this information, she or he will tell you. 

If you think you are close enough to the newly diagnosed person to ask this question, this is how to ask:

"Do you mind if I ask you what the doctor said?"

That question gives the person a chance to say, "You know, I don't want to talk about that right now," and also avoids medical jargon like the word prognosis, which is also a good idea.

DON'T say, "Call me and let me know what I can do to help."

At first pass, this may seem just fine, but it has become a cliche. People say this who don't really want to help, when they have no intention of helping. They say it because they think they should. 

But if the cancer patient--by now feeling green from chemo--believes that you are sincere and calls to ask you to pick up her kids after soccer practice and you reply, "Sorry, but I'm just on my way to a manicure appointment," she will be crushed. 

If you DO want to help, make a specific offer of help: Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday? Do you need a ride to some of your appointments? May I come over and clean your bathroom? (The last one is my personal favorite. I know that anyone who offers to clean my bathroom really loves me.)

If you DON'T really want to help, don't offer to help. Just say something like, "I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer," and let it go at that. 

Now, a couple of do's:

DO follow your friend's lead. 

We don't become entirely different people when we are diagnosed with cancer. We will probably cope with our cancer in much the same way as we have coped with other major events in our lives. So a friend who usually shares her feelings will probably want to do so when she finds out she has cancer. A friend who is more private may not want to talk. 

Don't try to push your friend to be someone he isn't, and don't try to tell him how to live with cancer--follow his lead. 

DO say the things you can say that are true. 

This means you don't get to say, "You'll be fine," to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. You don't know that they will be fine. They may not be. 

False optimism is insulting. 

One thing that I have said to friends of mine when they were struggling, and which they told me later was helpful, is this:

"I know you can do this."

And that means, "I know you, and I know that whatever comes, you will deal with it. And I will be right here to help you deal with it."

If you say something along those lines, you are giving your friend the gift of your belief in him or her--what could be better?

If you haven't seen it yet, please check out my new blog: Charmed Bracelets

@ Jeanne Sather 2009. 

Comments

[carrie s]

"You can do this." Perfect. At my caregiver group we tell each other "you can do this because you ARE doing this." (This may have come directly from Debutaunt.)

And specifics are really good too. Now I have learned when people say Let me know if I can help, I say, sure, can you come help me stack firewood for half an hour on Friday? If they cannot do this, and do not suggest something else instead, I know they are not really offering to help.

What NOT to say: more questions. I would tell you if I wanted you to know. Believe me.
I say J is sick. Do NOT say, what's he got?
I say J has cancer. Do NOT say, what kind?
I say colon cancer, do NOT say, how bad is it?
Do not say, is it terminal?

[jeanne Sather]

Carrie--these are great additions, thanks.

Anyone else want to chime in? I know this is a hot topic.

[laurie]

I am shallow.

The first thing that struck me, after I clicked on this post is how beautiful you look in the photo.

Then I noticed the asymmetry under the t-shirt (yay! someone like me!).

Then I noticed the WORDS on the t-shirt. I LOVE IT.

Then I went on to read the post and I loved that, too, and agreed with every word.

And this: "this is not the time to tell your friend, who is reeling from the news of a cancer diagnosis, the story about your Uncle Joe who did chemo, puked constantly for three months, and then died." actually made me laugh out loud.

Is that wrong of me? It's just that your words so accurately reflected the sheer inappropriateness of it. And if I had a dollar for every time...

You are...I am searching for the right djective...will have to settle for the somewhat lame...awesome. You are.

[jeanne Sather]

Hey Laurie--I would never call you shallow for saying I look beautiful in that photo. Thanks!

For those of you who are wondering why I go out in public with my asymmetrical chest clearly visible, take a look at this category:

breasts and boobs
http://www.assertivepatient.com/breasts_and_boobs/

Especially this post:

Retiring Jabba
http://www.assertivepatient.com/2007/09/retiring-jabba.html

I haven't worn a prosthesis for years now, and I feel better this way.

[carrie s]

Jeanne- I have looked at that photo several times before, and never noticed til now that it has the pink ribbon instead of the U. Finally, a good use for a pink ribbon. F*ck awareness indeed.

[Christian Louboutin Pumps s]

I can't say anything....I just pray for him.