So Much Pain ...

I get e-mails and comments to my blog almost every day from people who are either newly diagnosed with cancer or who have a relative who is newly diagnosed. 

I am, of course, happy that these people write to me, and I try to do what I can to help. Often, just listening--and maybe telling them that they are NOT crazy--is enough. Sometimes they need more practical help, like the woman who wrote to me yesterday from Kansas whose mother-in-law has cancer but who doesn't have good health insurance. The hospital was refusing her treatment until she came up with some money. (I'll come back to this one.)

And then there was the comment posted to my blog today, on my post The Assertive Cancer Patient: Is Not Necessarily a 'Good Patient'

She wrote:

I know that you wrote this a long time ago....but I wanted to thank you. Somewhere around a week ago my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. About 18 days ago, we found that she likely had cancer, had a silent heart attack, has diabetes and a host of other problems....found out all on the same day. This has been one of the slowest and longest bits of time in my life. Tomorrow, we find out what we are looking at as far as treatment and expected outcomes. Very scared. Anyway, my Mother has not wanted to bother the doctors...though she is getting better about asking the things she really wants to know. You inspired me to buy her a notebook in which she can write down questions as they occur. Thank you. If you do that sort of thing, could you please keep my Mother in your thoughts and prayers???Hugs to you. 

OK, this one made me cry. Because the pain and the fear this woman is facing are just so immediate and so raw. And I know those emotions so well. 

I e-mailed her back, and tried to be helpful without being Pollyanna--so NOT me. 

Here's what I said:

I just saw your comment about your mother's health problems, and my post about not being a "good patient."

First, let me say that that post is more true today than ever, at least for me. And I'm glad it helped you, and, I hope, also your mother. I don't think we can change the person who we are, and it's especially hard to change during a time of crisis, but to realize that someone else facing the same thing handles the situation a certain way can help. I hope your mother will write down her questions for her doctors and will feel free to ask them. You can help with that if you go over the questions before each appointment with her.

I know you are scared. Of course you are. One thing that may help is to realize that this time of uncertainty is probably the worst. Once you know what your mother's treatment will be, things will feel more manageable. I have some very simple mantras that I repeat to myself, and one is "You can do this." Whatever it is, you can do it. You will find the strength to help your mother, and, I hope, will also find the support that you need to be strong for her. I think you'll be surprised at who is there for you. 

Please feel free to e-mail me or to post comments to my blog. I will always answer.

While I'm writing about coping with the strong emotions that surround a cancer diagnosis, let me take this opportunity to thank the other cancer bloggers and the regular readers of my blog who are always there for me, to help me over the large bumps and the small. You know who you are.

@ Jeanne Sather 2009.

Comments

[Lisa]

Jeanne,

What a beautiful post. I remember so well emailing you when I was newly diagnosed and you said "feel free to scream from the top of a bridge if that is what you need." The validation of what I felt helped so much in those early days. I know that I will never be able to help you in the same way, but I'm always a short ciber burst away- Thanks for what you do.

[Jeanne Sather]

Lisa--thank you. I really needed this today.

It was just one of those tough days, and to hear that I was a help to you makes me feel good. And you have returned the favor, many times!