A Melanoma Diagnosis

I woke up this morning to find an e-mail from a young woman (35) who was just diagnosed yesterday with melanoma. She had found my blog, and was writing to ask for advice.

She's the mother of four young children, and was feeling very afraid and freaked out. "I'm driving myself crazy and it's day one," she wrote. "I'm looking for some advice about how to handle the stress and worry."

Well, I don't usually like to give advice, but I couldn't ignore this one. Here's my answer.

I'm laughing, but very gently, so don't be offended. This is how I felt when I was first diagnosed--with breast cancer and then later with melanoma. Of course you're afraid. Of course you are checking every single mole! I still do that, even though my doctor also checks them every few months--but I found the first one, so I figure that I am most likely to find any more.

I have lots of moles too, and freckles, so there's a lot to keep me busy.

So, this is what I think--

This stage of cancer treatment is the worst, trust me on that. When you first find out, and you're afraid, and you are worrying about your kids, and you haven't had treatment yet.

I think the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it. Admit that you are scared stiff. Talk about it, if that's what you want to do, or ignore it publicly, but admit to yourself that you are scared.

If it helps you to get information, I would do that, but there is lots of scary info on the Web, and a fair amount that's not accurate, so be careful.

Then, I think, you have to be gentle with yourself until you've had the excision, and don't expect too much of yourself--because this level of background stress and fear can make you really tired and unable to cope with daily life. But you won't realize that until you have a meltdown in public (done that too), so be gentle with yourself.

If the stress and anxiety don't level off once you've had the cancer removed, I would consider seeing a therapist of some kind who can help you with these issues. I've had a therapist hypnotize me and make me a tape so I could do self-hypnosis on a daily basis when I was really stressed, and I take small doses of anxiety and depression meds--they help keep me on an even keel. And I see a therapist once a week.

You can find someone who specializes in working with cancer patients--they often can be really helpful. And don't feel embarrassed about this either--lots of times people are hard on themselves when they need this kind of help, I know I was in the beginning.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go, and if you feel like leaving comments on my blog, I have some great folks who read the blog--many of them have cancer blogs of their own--and you'll get some great support there too.

So, readers, please chime in if you have suggestions about living with fear.

Oh, and here's something I forgot, the link to a story I wrote several years ago:

Running With Fear

@ Jeanne Sather 2008.

Comments

[carver]

Hi Jeanne, I can relate to this too. If she reads the comment section of your blog, I hope she'll feel free to email me (link to my email is on my blog). There are some good online support groups for melanoma survivors but that can be scary too, depending on her stage, etc. I think it's good to be informed but frankly I probably educated myself to the point of losing my marbles there for a while. Regards, Carver

[Dee]

Yes, I can relate, too. You're in shock, first. Then, begins the worry about your future, your kids, etc. It really is the worst stage of having cancer - the not knowing what's going to happen, what your treatment will be, how you will respond to the treatment, how you will take care of your kids, etc.

Jeanne has a lot of good information on this blog and the advice she's given are things that I've done to cope. One that I might add is to not be afraid to ask for help. Ask a friend to take calls for you, if that seems overwhelming to try to explain again and again what's going on. In that case, a blog is a great way to communicate what you're doing. A blog also allows you to get all your feelings out, too. Ask for help from family and friends to take care of your kids, bring you meals, clean your house. I still feel funny asking - I'm lucky my folks live here in town and they can help with my son. I don't cook, so the meals given to me by others were a great help, too. In other words, let other people take care of you.

I've also found humor to help a lot. But there is a time and place for it. Allow yourself to cry (I'm still working on that one); and also allow yourself to yell and scream and rant. Humor works for me because by joking about it with my friends, family, and coworkers, I find it puts them and me at ease. I hate uncomfortable silences.

And, as Jeanne said, there are a lot of people who blog about having cancer and Jeanne has gathered many people to her who can offer great suggestions. Two or three other people have contacted me through Jeanne and have given me great support by sharing their experiences.

Good luck. Don't be afraid to reach out.

[jeanne]

Carver and Dee--thank you both very much. I'm going to e-mail her and make sure she sees these comments.

It is definitely the worst part of having cancer. Once you start DOING something, you can focus.

[debutaunt]

I blogged about it. And laughed and cried about it too. I ignored the books and statistics they gave me at first and simply said... ok, what do I HAVE to do today... not in the future, but just today. It helped me calm down not to think about it all at once. But allow yourself to freak out a little if you need to. It's a scary situation. No one can keep it together all the time.

They are so right too. Ask for help. Be specific. People really do want to help, but a lot of the time, they don't know WHAT to do. I was lucky in that I had sisters - one who took care of my child and one that took care of my paperwork (she's an attny). I also had my baby sis who came and took care of ME!

I had people who told me that my JOB was simply to get better and not worry about the stuff that we all worry about. And reach out to those in your shoes. It sometimes is so great just to have someone who understands it firsthand.

Take care!