Retiring Jabba

For those of you who are new to my blog, Jabba is my right breast. Actually, by my definition, Jabba is a boob, not a breast, because he is made of silicone, not skin, fat, glands, and nerves.

In any case, Jabba has been around for almost nine years, ever since my mastectomy in October of 1998. The Jabba in the photo is, in fact, Jabba IV, since I have lost several Jabbas to cat attacks and other similar disasters.

In case you haven't guessed, Jabba was named for Jabba the Hutt, of "Starwars" fame, and he resides, when not tucked into the right cup of my 36-D underwire bra, in a special box made by my cousin and labeled, "Jabba's Hut."

Despite my humor on the subject of Jabba, our relationship has been a rocky one. I never wear Jabba at home, and don't wear him when I walk my dog. The only time Jabba is part of my attire is when I get dressed, put on makeup, and go out, for appointments and meetings of various types or to do errands--the bank, grocery store, and so on.

The first thing I do when I get home is pull Jabba out of my bra and throw him somewhere. I used to just throw him on the bed or couch, or maybe tuck him under a pillow on the couch, to avoid embarrassing my then-teenaged sons, but I've learned that it is safest to actually put him away, to avoid the aforementioned cat attacks.

The first cat attack that doomed Jabba was a subtle one. If you have a cat, you know that cats like to knead their claws into their owners when being held and stroked. If I hold one of my cats up to my shoulder, he automatically kneads my chest. But, because Jabba isn't real, I can't feel those sharp claws.

Result--pinprick holes, oozing silicone jell.

Temporary Solution--Bandaids.

Real Solution--Buy a new Jabba, at a cost of $200 to $400.

The second cat attack was a deliberate one. I had thrown Jabba (II or III, I forget) onto the chair in my bedroom when I went to bed. During the night, two cats attacked Jabba, leaving long brutal wounds, again oozing large amounts of silicone. There was no way that bandaids were going to repair this boob, even temporarily, and I learned that no matter how tired I was, I needed to put Jabba away before bed.

A very expensive lesson. I ordered my newest Jabba online and paid something like $200 for him.

After long years of ambivalence, I was getting very tired of Jabba. (A sidenote: I never considered having reconstruction, and wouldn't. The biggest reason is all that surgery. The second is that all you end up with is a "breast shape." But to each her own. Please do not e-mail me recommending reconstruction--I have already solved this problem.)

As I said, I was getting tired of Jabba. Even with a well-fitting bra, I am aware that I’m wearing him, and I sweat under the prosthesis in the summer, and sometimes end up with a rash, which is not comfortable.

Then just as I was leaning toward ditching Jabba altogether and going out into the world with only one breast, along came Jacqueline, of Rebel1in8.

Amazing. Another woman who feels as I do, and who has done something about it. A whole lot of something: Jacqueline designed a whole line of clothing for women who have had mastectomies and don't want reconstruction or a prosthesis.

As I've said elsewhere on this blog, I went to New York City over the Labor Day weekend to meet Jacqueline and have her make me some clothes. She produced the first two shirts almost immediately, while I was still there, and we took pictures of me in her loft and also at Coney Island, my favorite.

I just got an e-mail from Jacqueline this morning saying that two more of my shirts will be on their way to me shortly.

In the meantime, see the One-Breasted Woman Fashion Show

A footnote: I haven't worn Jabba since Labor Day, and I don't intend to. I guess he is retired for good.

Read more about breasts and boobs:

I never wanted a mastectomy, but who does?:
Of Boobs and Breasts, Real and Silicone

I didn't kiss it goodbye, but almost:
Saying Goodbye

The innocence of children, or perhaps a perverse interest in all things medical:
Waking Up After Surgery: “Did You Lose the Breast?”

Do you want a "breast shape"? Not me:
Reconstruction: to Rebuild, or Not?

This was a tough one. I took the innocent kid along for protection:
Shopping for a New Boob

Introducing Jabba
A Boob Named Jabba

More on Jabba:
Life With Jabba

Yes, there is sex after a mastectomy:
Sex and the One-Breasted Woman

"Well, at least you only have to get it on one side," my aunt jokes:
The One-Breasted Woman Gets a Mammogram, Reluctantly

Don’t like that word, “prosthesis,” never have, never will:
Fake Body Parts

Sara contributed this tidbit of knowledge: the German word for a woman's breast is masculine in gender:
More Fake Body Parts

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.

Comments

[Kristina]

As someone with two breast shapes (wait, mine aren't exactly breast shaped, but there ARE blobs on my chest where real breasts used to be), let me tell you, I certainly won't go preaching about how you want to just dive into the reconstructive process. It is a pain in the ass, involving more than I imagined, and I'm pretty sick of the whole mess. I'm about to go for surgery #8 of my cancer journey, which is surgery #4 of my reconstructive process, and I'm worn out just thinking about it. My boobs are far from perfect, and I'm weary beyond belief about it.

I knew that I had to do reconstruction; I can't quite explain why it was so necessary, only that it was fundamentally necessary to me. I imagine it's just as fundamental to feel the opposite about it...and a whole lot less trouble, healing, and recovery. In many ways, I think that getting reconstruction is utterly illogical, because it adds pain and suffering and risk...but still, I'm forging ahead.

Actually, I think I can explain why I needed new (fake but attached) boobs: Tessa. When she was 2.5 and I had to tell her that the doctors were going to cut off Mama's breasts to make her healthy, the only possible thing that I could think of to say to make such a ludicrous statement okay was, "But don't worry, honey, one day they'll build Mama some new breasts." (A ridiculous oversimplification, but I had no idea what else to say to make the idea of removing body parts acceptable.) When Tessa saw my bare, scarred chest for the first time, she said in her tremulous, lispy, toddler voice "Mama, it's okay, the doctors can make you a new breast." For us, it's become a symbol of wellness, simplified into toddler terms. This doesn't fool me, of course, and I'm not sure it fools her, either, but it makes us both feel better, somehow.

If it weren't for Tessa, I'm not sure I'd have gone to so much trouble for reconstruction. Funny that it's a small child, and not my husband, that gives me courage to do this thing, but there it is.

And as for you, dear woman, I'm delighted to hear of the healing you have found in retiring Jabba. I'm delighted that you are reaquainting with comfort in your own body, and that you feel secure in public without the silicone blob. Brava! Brava!

[laurie]

My first prosthesis was also gooned by the cat. I held it together with scotch tape to keep its silicon innards from oozing out. Lucky for me, it was still under warranty (I didn't tell them about the cat attack).

And, yes the damned things are expensive. My son, who very recently expressed 'relief' that I have stopped wearing mine, laughed himself silly when I told him the thing cost almost $300 dollars. Fortunately, the thing was covered in part by federally funded health care (hooray for socialized medicine) and the rest by private insurance.

I toyed the with the idea of reconstruction but decided that I did not want to put myself through fairly major surgery, to build something that wouldn't be a real breast (and take the massive risk of infection and worsened lymphedema). I stopped wearing my prosthesis completey, after radiation and lymphedema made it too uncomfortable (even painful to do so). I now go about my day without thinking too much about it, although at times I still feel a little self-conscious (and have been writing about this a bit lately).

And, as for your Rhea Belle wardrobe, I am jealous beyond words.

[jeanne]

Oh, Kristina--"the silicone blob"--that's even better than "boob." I'm going to adopt your term.

Sorry that the reconstruction is such an ordeal. Not that this is any comfort, but other women I've known have gone through six or eight surgeries/procedures before they were done with reconstruction, so it's not uncommon.

Thanks for explaining why reconstruction is so important to you. And, of course, I would NEVER criticize you for doing this. You do what's right for you. Just sorry it's so tough. Give little Tessa a hug for me--I love my sons, but sometimes I wish I had a daughter as well.

Laurie--thanks for the cat story! Cats may have a thing for silicone blobs--we'll have to do research.

Have you checked in with Jacqueline about getting some clothes made? They are not expensive. And they are great. Comfy to wear and gorgeous.

And then there is insurance: U.S. insurance pays 80 percent of the cost of a prosthesis, but generally you have to buy it and then submit paperwork for reimbursement, and of course I never get around to that, so I've paid the whole cost every time except the first, at Nordstrom.

Jeanne

[Vicki Matthew`]

Hi Jeanne! I finally made it into your blog! I've been reading and reading with just so much fascination. I'd never thought of the pink ribbon campaign that way, nor the October thing. I have never embraced either, but I tend to think that, maybe the October thing probably does bring awareness to people, and maybe some get mammagrams or check themselves. Your point about them, though, opened my eyes. It's the marketing of Breast Cancer...for crying out loud, how morbid is that? Making M&Ms so that people will buy them, eat them and feel like they're making a difference is insane!

The thing is that your boycott October makes more sense in the US where, no doubt, you are right. The money should be put into univeral health care. I still can't believe what you guys don't have down there.

Side note: Melissa Ethridge just played her new song on David Letterman, about breast cancer. OMG, it was excellent. You have to hear it!

I haven't read all the stuff about the Canadian husband, but I think it's a great idea. I saw Oprah's interview with Michael Moore and company about your health care system, or lack thereof. Come to Canada, Jeanne. I know I had such swift treatment of my cancer! I'll keep my eyes open for you. :)

I have something called a been-a-boob. It's kind of like a beenie baby. It's totally comfortable and light and it doesn't chafe. I'm done with those expensive Jabba things too. They're HORRIBLE! If you want to know more let me know...and no, I'm not selling them. I just like them.

We'll enough for one post but you hang in there pal! I'm rooting for you here in Canada!

How cool that you were intervied by Christie Clarke! I wish I had caught it. I'm off to see if they archive their interviews.

Take care. Hugs, Vicki

[jeanne]

Vicki--I think the interview is archived, but not entirely sure. Please send me the info on the been-a-boob. I might like that.

Having a good time with Jac's clothes though, they are wonderful.