Where Are All the Good Men (Cancer Bloggers)?

I noticed this just recently, when I was rounding up cancer bloggers to join forces and write about the same topics at the same time: Cancer bloggers are almost all women!

Now this is unusual for a couple of reasons, the biggest of which is that the whole WWW, Internet, computer geek, IT world is so predominantly male. The first bloggers were pretty much all guys (and my friend Kim, who is a teenage-boy-computer-geek in the body of a 30-something woman). And the majority of bloggers now are still men, although women are gaining fast.

But cancer blogs? Almost all women.

I could only think of two men with cancer who were blogging about their disease, Brainhell and Jimbo. And Jimbo died a few weeks ago, so that leaves Brainhell.

There's also The Cheerful Oncologist, but he's a doctor blogging about cancer, not a man living with it.

The Why
I think I have at least a partial answer to the question of why men aren't blogging about cancer in any numbers, and it's the same reason that men don't go to cancer support groups: They don't want to have to talk about the F-word (in this case, FEELINGS).

Now I don't go to traditional support groups either (more about that later), so it's not like I'm saying men SHOULD go to support groups, I'm just pointing out that they DON'T.

Meanwhile, women with cancer are turning out for support groups, knitting groups, dragon-boating teams, art therapy workshops, cancer and nutrition workshops, you-name-it-they're-there, in record numbers. Where are the men?

There are, of course, also support groups of various types for caregivers and people who have a friend or relative living with cancer. Who attends? Mostly women.

One irony: the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance does NOT have a support group for men with prostate cancer, although it treats a lot of men with that disease. It DOES, however, have a group for women whose husbands have prostate cancer. Now that wouldn’t catch my attention if the group were focused on the issues women face when living with a man who has had his (ah hem) private parts tinkered with—often no sex, for example—but that’s not it.

The focus of the group is on helping the men cope with their illness.

Now, I’m not married. But if I were, and the guy had prostate cancer, or any other kind of cancer, I know what’d I’d be saying: Go to your own DAMN support group!

Sidetracked There
But back to my first question: Where are the men cancer bloggers?

Do you know any men with cancer who are blogging about the experience? If so, please send me a link. I would like to find them.

Read:

Cancer Bloggers Join Forces

Cancer Bloggers Join Forces Again

@ Jeanne Sather 2007.

Comments

[laurie]

"GO to your own DAMN support group!"
Ha!
My reaction exactly (although, I too have resisted support groups). I look forward to your piece on this.

[Jeanne]

Let's compare notes before I write the piece on why I avoid support groups--I'd be interested to get your input.

I'll try not to step on too many toes ...

[Liz]

Technically, brainhell has ALS, not cancer.

I've noticed on the lymphoma online support boards where I hang out there are a LOT of wives and girlfriends who post daily about their husband's or boyfriend's dx and tx, asking questions, seeking information, exchanging support with other board memebrs. But there are ZERO husbands who post about their wives' or girlfirends' ordeals. Zero. Nada. Not one.

On the bright side, Follow Lingling is a cancer blog written jointly by the wife, who has lymphoma, and her husband as he goes through it with her. Daniel, the husband, does most of the writing, and it's quite eloquent. It's at http://luchalee.wordpress.com/

[Jeanne]

Oh, jeez, you're right. Brainhell isn't cancer. You can see what chemo did to MY brain! Guess I'd better take him down, and add the guy from NPR. He can be our token guy with cancer. Thanks also for noting the women doing the online caretaking for their guys ... be honest now, doesn't it make you glad you're single?

Now don't hit me, all of those of you who have great partners--like Teresa and Sara and Jill and Beth--but let's admit that they are in the very small minority.

I have horror stories you wouldn't believe (well, you probably would) about insensitive male partners of women with cancer.

Love you all. Just back from a full day of scanning, and not sure how long I'm going to stay online. Will catch everyone up as soon as I can. Dr appt tomorrow with The Bone Guy.

Jeanne

[Fiona]

I have melanoma- here are are some blogs by men with cancer that I came across while surfing through various blogs:

http://mylungcancerstory.blogspot.com/

http://wheresmyp53.blogspot..com/

http://www.cancerismybitch.com/

http://www.balrog.org/

http://cancerblogamoi.blogspot.com/

http://www.kevsupdate.blogspot.com/

http://www.leejordan.org.uk/v2/

http://coloncancersurvivor.spaces.live.com/

[Jeanne]

Wow, thanks. Do you read any of these blogs regularly? Any recommendations?

Jeanne

[Fiona]

You're most welcome- there are plenty of other blogs out there by men suffering from cancer- I noticed other links on those journals while posting this last night.

I usually read Lee Jordan due to the similar nature of our cancers, but I also read My Lung Cancer Story fairly regularly, as he's quite an interesting and erudite writer.

[Katrina]

There are many men active on the melanoma bulletin board at mpip. Some spouses of patients, some patients. I know of two men who have lost their partners to melanoma and blog. One is jblue. He was caregiver to his wife and started the blog shortly before he lost his wife and he hasn't posted since she died. http://wemkea.com/

The other is a guy living in New York who just lost his husband to melanoma. He is an amazing writer and writes about everything in his life. Currently he is sharing his grieving process. It is amazingly touching and gives much insight into what one goes through. http://blog.yenfeng.net/

I am one of the wives that does all of the research into treatment and is active on the boards. I read cancer blogs regularly. My husband wants to live his life without getting swallowed up in cancer culture. I think he is disturbed looking at statistics too. I'm a person that wants to learn everything I can on a topic. He appreciates my research but worries that some of what I read upsets me. He doesn't want me to get swallowed up by the cancer world either. He doesn't want it to become our identity. I would not join a support group to help him deal with his cancer. I can't deal with it for him. That's something he needs to do on his own.

[Jeanne]

Katrina--good points: your needs are different from your husband's, and it sounds like you do what you need to do for you. And he does what he needs to. I completely understant not wanting cancer to take over your life. That's why my "cancer life" is online and in my real life I only talk about my cancer to a few close friends. With everyone else, it is pretty much a taboo subject. Or they don't even know.

Thanks for the links, too. I'm going to update my post on men and blogging.