Questions NOT to Ask: How Long Have You Got?

Even worse, "What's the prognosis?"

If you know someone with cancer, or another serious illness, you need to tred carefully when asking questions about their illness.

And "How long have you got?" is just about the worst thing you can ask.

Having said that, it's important to remember that no one knows how long we will live.

See this story in yesterday's Seattle Times for confirmation of that fact.

Survivors: Told their time was up, they're refusing to lie down

Comments

[Sara]

Here's another one of my favorites, which I'm almost always asked when people see that I have a fake leg and ask me about it: "But you're okay now, right?"

[Jeanne]

Oh, Sara. That's awful. And funny--that black cancer humor, I guess.

I decided to put photos of my breast prosthesis, Jabba, on the site, don't know if you've seen them, but they are at "Shopping for a New Boob" and "A Boob Named Jabba" under the "Breasts and Boobs" category (see lower right column).

Jeanne

[Carrie]

You're so right. And Sara's comment was too funny!

Reminds me of someone I heard about years ago. He was told he was dying of cancer and very soon. So he went on a shopping spree, maxing out all his credit cards, and took a trip and just had a blast. Then they cured him. He was bankrupt financially but he lived. He laughed about it and said this just proved to him not to totally trust doctors prognosis on anything! :)

[Jeanne]

Carrie--I think this must not be uncommon. I've heard of one or two similar stories, except one was a case of fraud by someone who had AIDS, and I guess figured he'd die before he was caught, but he was caught. And a friend of mine who died of AIDS about 14 years ago now ran up a lot of debt, not just necessary debt, but kind of thumbing his nose at the universe because he was so angry that he had AIDS. It was sad.

Jeanne

[katrina]

Coworker: "I heard about your husband"
Me: "yeah"
Coworker: "What's the prognosis?" (expectant look on face.)
Me: "well...it's stage IV melanoma"
Coworker: "at least they caught it early."
Me: "um, there's no stage V"
Coworker: "Oh." (gets away from me looking dumb-struck)

I don't think it's that they ask, they just ask like they only want good news.

[Jeanne]

Katrina--Thank you. That is EXACTLY it.

In my case, since I'm living with stage IV cancer, I get this all the time. As time goes on, I give less and less information.

My standard response now to the question, "How are you?" Is: "Fine. How are you?"

There is no happy ending here, and many, many people cannot deal with that.

Actually, there IS a happy ending, but it's one that I've defined for myself: To live as well as I can for as long as I can.

The people who understand that remain my friends. The ones who don't either drift away or I push them away. Hard.

Jeanne