The Assertive Cancer Patient: Is Not a Superhero

I think that I cope with my cancer quite well. I weather the ups and downs of treatment, I face the fears that surround each round of new tests, I even deal pretty well with the recurrences, when my cancer pops up yet again.

And through it all I have a mostly happy life—mothering my two sons, writing, gardening, caring for a menagerie of pets, and spending time with a group of supportive friends.

But I am not a superhero.

I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me, “I don’t know how you do it. I certainly couldn’t.”

I know that these comments are meant to be compliments, but they are annoying, partly because they set up the expectation that I will always be brave and strong. They are also annoying because I don’t think anyone knows how they will react until they are actually facing a life-threatening illness. And finally, I don’t feel that I have a choice but to act as I do.

So does that make me a hero? I don’t think so.

Well, of course, I DO have a choice. I could give up. I could be fatalistic about my cancer and just sit back and let it kill me. But those are not choices for me. And after the first shock of your diagnosis has worn off, I think you will find that you won’t have a choice either. You will stick out your chin and deal with your cancer as best you can.

I think that the people surrounding a person living with cancer often need that person to be a superhero. They don't want to see you frightened, or sad, or depressed. I try to deal with these expectations as best I can, even if it means that I no longer see some people, the most extreme way of dealing with them.

I also suggest that if you are getting these "superhero" comments that you try to take a break from being a hero, just once in awhile.

@ Jeanne Sather 2006

Comments

[Alex Roberts]

Thanks Jeanne for teaching me better ways to support friends with life-threatening conditions. I've made many of the mistakes you write about and I'm thankful for your way of communicating the unintended effects. -ALR

[Jessica]

And the bravery stuff, omigosh... thank you for getting this! just the other day another well-meaning friend told me how brave i was.

Shit, I thought, there's that pedestal again. I told her it isn't brave, it's just life. It just is.

It took me many years to figure out why I detested much of the supposed encouragement I was getting. I thought it was merely a symptom of my fierce independence, my inability to accept help because of emotional attachment disruptions in early life.

There is still some truth in that theory, but I now know that what I've titled "the pedestal problem" is a devastating set up for failure. And just like a "should," pedestal comments seem to make the deliverer feel better, not the receiver. Like if we live up to or make good on a reality that they have for us, they can sleep better at night. never mind that I can't.