Soapbox No. 2: Keep Your Fear to Yourself

I've been living with cancer for a long time--eight years now. I've experienced a lot of fear during that time, but I think I've done a pretty good job of taking that fear and making lemonade out of it. I think I cope pretty well with my feelings, and I'm always available to my children, to help with whatever problems or fears they might have.

But I cannot cope with other people's fears. It's astonishing how often friends and family come to me--the person who is sick--to help them feel better about the fact that I have cancer and may die soon.

I have literally spent hours on the phone with my anxious and grieving friends, telling them that it's OK, that I will be fine . . . and when the conversation is over, I am exhausted.

An offshoot of this is telling a person with cancer all your personal cancer horror stories. Don't do this. This is unkind.

It is a common coping mechanism to automatically mention that your father or mother or brother died of cancer when confronted with someone who has the disease. My response to this is, "My father died of cancer is not a greeting."

Don't say it.

I'm not suggesting that the people who care about me don't need to vent their emotions, including their fear, but not to me. I can't handle it.

@ Jeanne Sather 2006