The Assertive Cancer Patient

This Blog Is NOT for You

This blog is NOT for you if you are trying to change the way someone with cancer is dealing with their illness.

You may think you are trying to help, but the fact is, it is not your illness, and you don't get to make the decisions. Nor do you get to tell the person with cancer how they should act or feel, or what treatment they should have. Not even if you are the husband, wife, child, or parent of the cancer patient. Nope.

Do not point a friend or relative with cancer to this blog as a way of telling them to change the way they cope.

I feel very strongly about this point. If you know someone who has cancer, you may be feeling powerless. You want to help. But the best way to help is by supporting the person with cancer in whatever decisions they make about treatment or other aspects of life with cancer—not by telling them what to do.

See Jeanne's Soapbox No. 1 for more on this topic.

The Assertive Cancer Patient: Feels Surprisingly Happy

There are a number of clichés in the English language that link the words “healthy” and “happy.” We say, “As long as my children are healthy and happy …” Or, “As long as I have my health …” The underlying assumption is that you can’t be very happy if you have a serious illness.

Well, that has not been my experience. The years I have been living with cancer have certainly included some of the worse moments in my life, but they have also included some of the best. I don’t think I would have experienced life during the past few years with the same degree of intensity and joy if I had not been diagnosed with cancer. I am not alone in this. A number of cancer patients and cancer survivors have told me the same thing.

Recent research, published in February 2005 in The Journal of Experimental Psychology, confirms our experience. The study found that healthy people are not necessarily happier than seriously ill ones. In addition, the healthy participants in the study greatly overestimated how unhappy sick individuals would be, while the sick ones overestimated how happy the healthy ones were.

This doesn’t mean that you won’t have bad days, of course you will, but you will probably have more good days than bad.

I'll write more about some of the things that make me happy and help me cope with my cancer.

The Assertive Cancer Patient: Is Not Necessarily a ‘Good Patient’

As you move along in your cancer treatment, you may be shocked to realize that you have been socialized, probably without realizing it, to be a “good patient.” Good patients are cheerful, rarely complain (and may not give their doctors an accurate reading of their symptoms and problems as a result), and are hesitant to “bother” the doctor--even when something is bothering THEM.

As a result of not speaking up, these people not only don’t get the best medical care, but they also may find their frustrations growing because their real concerns are not being expressed.

I know one medical oncologist who tells his patients right up front that they don’t need to be “good patients” with him. This doctor is, granted, way ahead of the curve on the issue of doctor-patient communication, but I'll write further about ways to break out of the good-patient mold in a positive way.